So here I am... This will be the last time I write from Afghanistan (God willing). This has been an insane ride over the past 11 months. It seems like a very feeble attempt to try and sum up a deployment in a single post but I'm going try.
The emotions you run through during a deployment take a massive toll on your psyche..From the front line infantryman to the finance person behind a desk on KAF, everyone is affected differently and some have a more difficult time than others. It is an experience unique to each individual and its impossible to try and sum up your thoughts on the experience to someone who hasn't been here or had to go through some of these things. While you're hear you take it one day at a time, one day you might have a really good day and the next you may feel like not talking to anyone and its hard because you can't shut yourself off from family and friends.
You learn so much about yourself, the people around you and the people back home. You find out who your true friends are, who will be there for you and really people who ended up just being fun drinking buddies on a Saturday night. Your friends will make an active effort to keep in contact with you, whether it be through a Facebook post, an e-mail, something and not just when you are about to come home. I can consider myself to be lucky to have some friends like that.
You find out things about important people in your life and what they are capable of. My family has been incredible, there is no other way to describe it really. Incredible. The strength and courage they gave me cannot be properly explained, every day I thought of them and they guided my actions. My Mom and Dad never put pressure on me about things back home and tried to plan things around me and what was best for me. I love them both for their understanding and encouragement, could not ask for better parents. My sister, who's wedding I had to miss, was awesome. She never complained, she never once thought of herself during her special day when we were talking and it was always about how I was doing and understood I had a job to do. No matter how badly I wanted to be there, which believe me was an insane amount, she is an amazing woman and I am so proud of her and my new brother in law who I cant wait to embrace as a brother. I love them both a ton and can't wait to chill on the beach with them.
And then there is Lindsey, the woman who was the driving force behind me every step of the way. I learned more about Lindsey being apart from each other than I could ever imagine. I learned she is perhaps the strongest woman I know. I learned that she is the most supportive, genuine and caring person I could ever ask to be with. It would've been so easy for her to of quit numerous times during the deployment. But she didn't, she never gave up and thought it was too difficult, even with work being less than stellar and all the pressures of everyday life she drove on. She is my strength and my inspiration and I can honestly say if it wasn't for her, this deployment would have gone very differently in a dark way. I saw a lot of relationships fall apart while I was here because the party left back home couldn't cope with being apart for one reason or another. And I am sure she struggled in moments when no one was around and maybe even when people were around but she persevered and I cannot thank her enough for that. She is wonderful and I will stand by her as she has stood by me. I love her.
As for myself, where do I begin with what I have learned about myself? I don't know how I appeared leading up to all this, but I can tell you that inside I was a a ball of uncertainty and nerves. I didn't know what to expect, I knew going into it would be an emotional and mental struggle more so than a physical one. The mindset you go into a deployment with will set the tone for the entire deployment and I 100% believe that. So going into it I was realistic, I was a gun truck driver going into a country which had a history of IEDs, which was a pretty successful history on the part of the Taliban. But who am I to complain? I volunteered for this. Little did I know that my biggest obstacle wouldn't be someone shooting at me or trying to blow up me or my friends, but it would be trying to battle boredom, the highs and lows of everyday life in Afghanistan, dealing with people who weren't of the same mindset as me and dealing with those consequences of their irresponsible actions and the way some other people view you and your unit as a result.
In the beginning of the deployment it becomes very frustrating as I think you may be able to tell that it was upsetting to see some of the things we saw and not knowing why they were happening or what to do about it. Eventually, my mindset changed from one of frustration to one of complete and total apathy and then morphed into talking to those people and trying to help them out with things that maybe I was good at and they were weak at and then maybe if I was struggling they could help me. I learned that I am more adaptable than I could of ever thought possible. The amount times we were pushed and pulled in different ways was very strenuous but I didn't break. Somehow I managed to stay positive (for the most part, believe me I had my weak days and those were usually in the weeks were I didn't want to talk to anyone) throughout the tough times. You find a way to adapt to things that normally would piss you off or make you frustrated and ask "why are we doing this?"
It kind of stumped me for a while and the answer I came up with is that before I left, in my quiet moments at home by myself I would ask God to somehow make this place bearable, make it so that I am able to make it through and not even physically, just keep my sanity and shield me against negativity and doubt. Man and did He ever. So I thank God every night for giving me these gifts in order to keep me sane: my true friends via funny Facebook posts and just messages of encouragement to let them know they are thinking of me, through my family who supports and loves me and encourages me to continue on when I had a rough day or I am tired, through my amazing girlfriend who never strayed from my side and who pushed me to ask God and through him giving me the mindset necessary to get through this all in tact mentally, emotionally and spiritually. God is great.
So here I sit, ready to come home, back to a place where everyone I love is waiting for me to return and I wait to greet them all, maybe I'll look back and this will be a turning point in my life or maybe it will be just another experience that I remember as a giant time away form the comforts of my life in the States. I tend to think more towards the first option, I have seen and learned too much about life outside the protection of the US to go back to how I was before. I come home with a better understanding of who I am as a person and what I am capable of and a new sense of confidence in myself and my friends and family.
I will see you all VERY soon! Love you all and thank you for your thoughts, prayers and words of encouragement, it meant the world to me honestly.
